Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

I could not give this to my friends to watch. They simply refused. I told them, "Things we learned in history classes are used in the film; it's crazy! The vampires explain the craziness that normal people wouldn't do it." Again, nope. So I gave them "Ted" to watch. Along with this film...

Abraham Lincoln

Vampire Hunter

This film's screenplay and novel was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, Directed by Timur Bekmambetov (please don't ask me to say his name), and produced by--ummm--Tim Burton   along with Timur Bekmambetov and Jim Lemley. Abraham Lincoln is played by Benjamin Walker Davis --See photo below; Abe Lincoln. Wow.

Okay, how can I make you love it? This film would probably appeal to our beloved conspiracy theorists. Okay, give me a minute.

I'm back, with great news that I will save for last!

I must say I went into this with the sole purpose of reviewing a BAD film to learn how NOT to make a film. Honestly, I tried. And after the opening scenes I was sure that horrible CGI where the character was hurled upward with such force that he ripped through a wooden building—did I mention it was “up”? I am most critical of some of the CGI, it’s ability to blend with live actors, and whether or not some of it was done by someone saying, “Look what I can do!” versus, “How can we make this scene work?” But, because I absolutely love the storyline, I will say the fanciful just adds to the film’s surreal premise.

We are all (many of us, anyway) familiar with key events in our nation’s history that led to the Civil War, battles fought during the Civil War, and maybe even quite a bit of Abe Lincoln’s personal life. I set out to find a bad movie to watch once and one of the worst was listed as D.W. Griffith's "Abraham Lincoln" 1930 film (click the link if you’d like to see it, I believe it is now public domain unless Ted bought it and plans to jazz it up a bit). Sadly, I liked it despite the bad acting. D.W., Lord, bless him…

http://www.poptower.com/benjamin-walker-picture-93897.htm

So, with that in mind, I expected more of Lincoln's timeline in this film. The film did not include Abe’s earlier relationships. I expected Anne Rutledge to be killed by a vampire, but she wasn’t. Abe’s courtship and marriage to Mary Todd (the great Sally Field) was probably adequate romance since it is an action/horror-ish-type film. The film begins with a scripture: Genesis 17:5. Already we are expected to think of the morality and spiritual implications of the content. The film begins with little Abe trying to rescue his best friend Will, who is black (already conflict for antebellum U.S.), being beaten by an oppressive employer/landowner. So he beats Abe, too, and his father steps in. This act of bravery costs the father his job AND the evil ex-employer demands all debts paid. One night, little Abe spies on the man downstairs taking a bite out of his mother’s wrist. (Lincoln lost his mother at an early age to “milk sickness” and the film’s visible symptoms correspond to the actual illness). Since I already know it’s a vampire movie, I know her blood has been demanded to repay the family’s debts. Little Abe promises his father to never seek revenge. But years pass and Abe reasons that his father’s died so he is no longer bound by the oath. So what does he do? Get drunk. It’s in the bar that he encounters Henry Sturges (Dominic Cooper). Alright; Abe sneaks up on his victim. Gets ready to pounce. We are not surprised it’s a vampire at this point. It’s also no surprise that Abe’s ball gets stuck in the creature’s eye. Apparently bullets looked like balls back then. Henry shows up in the nick of time to rescue Abe and hence the story begins.

(Deep Breath Inhaled---) Henry recruits Abe to be a vampire slayer and gives him “Karate Kid” basic training. Another of my suspension of suspension-of-disbelief moments happened when Henry tells Abe to chop down the tree in one swing. Yea, he eventually does it. He has to if we are to believe he can take on swarms of these creatures later in the film. And the foreshadowing advice from Henry? “Always have a contingency plan.” So throughout the film’s earlier moments, the complex network of vampires is revealed. Abraham Lincoln says, “Henry, there are far more than I ever thought possible: pharmacists…innkeepers…pastors…” (symbolism, for conspiracy theorists) Well, Abe works in a store for Speed (Jimmi Simpson). All this is leading somewhere, I promise. Abe asks Henry after chopping heads off many undercover vampires, “When do I get to kill Jack Barnes?”  Somewhere in the midst of all the killing Abe meets Mary. He tries to leave her alone to protect her from the truth (corresponds to the real-life engagement being called off; creative), but of course we already know they get married. Abe decides to “put away childish things” as we see him retire the silver-tipped axe like Michael Jordan. Abe runs for president, suffers defeat by the union (under the command of vampires—whom at one point a voice-over credits horrific historical events such as Native American massacres and missing/murdered slaves who were acquired from the worldwide vampire network in Africa). This council of vampires allows Abe to be in office, but they want Abe to “kill your master,” who is Henry—oh did I forget to mention that the reason Henry needs Abe to kill vampires is because he is one himself, and to justify the film’s premise vampires cannot kill other vampires? Henry is a good vampire because he lost his true love to evil, thirsty vampires years ago.

Alright, fast-forward to the White House. By this point Abe’s childhood friend, Will, has reappeared to fight alongside Abe. One female vampire (she’s pretty high on the vampire political totem pole) sneaks into the Lincoln domain and bites their son. She snuck and read Abe’s diaries, so she knows the truth. There’s a slight “Pet Sematary” moment when Abe has to tell Mary that if Henry brings their son back to life, he won’t be who he was—he’ll be a what—and different. He eventually dies, and Mary Todd Lincoln wants revenge. So, vampires take over the Confederate army at the Battle of Gettysburg; the Union soldiers didn’t know what hit them. That scenario explained the actual mass casualties; good one. Abe is at the dinner table with Mary arguing about effectiveness in battle, and realizes his fork is the answer. So, he takes up all the silver from the people and mass produces weapons made of silver to fight the vampires (Confederate army). Mary is afraid and runs away. Speed betrays Abe and informs the vampires of the shipment of silver on a train. Abe, Henry, and Will are aboard the train ready for them. So is Speed’s trifling self. Well, this huge battle aboard the  train leads to a burning bridge and the vampires discover Speed tricked them (turns out he wasn’t trifling at all!) and the crates are full of rocks. Good guys win in the film, Mary gets her revenge, and …oh, how?? Abe says, “This isn’t the only railroad.” Ahhhh!! The underground railroad (which Mary Todd Lincoln and her servant were travelling). Smart. However, the quote of a vampire earlier in the film echoes silently: “There’s thousands of us here; we won’t stop till this whole country’s ours…”

As far as actors’ portrayals go, I am impressed with all performances. I feel actors braced the special effects, light weight-bearing walls, in places the CGI wouldn’t have held up. Portraying actual historical figures must be severe pressure, but I am completely convinced of the characters, and they have surpassed my expectations. I expected Abraham Lincoln to be a boring, monotone guy, but instead his variety of emotional responses throughout the film in contrasting situations is commendable. Examples: vampire slayer vs. love-struck boyfriend, love-struck boyfriend vs. U.S. President, U.S. President vs. drunk in a bar.

Abraham’s pocket watch and Little Willie Lincoln’s toy sword were motifs in the film. Of course, a period film of that era has  an amber overtone that combines with the drab clothing to give a feeling of hopelessness in some scenes and you can feel the poverty in others. The scene with the moving pictures bridges that era with our own by using technology for exposition, yet keeping it true to the era (the light bulb is replaced with a  candle). The sound effects and music were used properly within the film. I only felt let-down by that whole throwing-the-vampire-up-through-a-wall thing and faux planks come flying outward. The fight scene with the horse-jumping was strange. It’s dreamlike and detours from the rest of the film. It was definitely something nobody has thought of (or maybe attempted to do?) before. I was not impressed with the burning bridge, although if I were to make a movie and need a bridge to burn, that would be the way to do it. I think the fight lasted too long, leaving enough time for the mind to wander and start to wonder: “Are they not concerned with those flames in the train car about to burn them up? Is it humanly possible to fight that hard under extreme temperatures like that? The vampires aren’t human, so I understand them, but the humans…how?” The amber and sometimes orange/red tint to the film is contrasted by a flashback that’s greenish. It was effective in creating the atmosphere the director (Bekmambetov) was aiming for. I absolutely –no, not love, but STRONG LIKE the vampires emerging from the mural in New Orleans and starting to fight! Those effects and action blended SO well. I also liked the portrayal of the White House being still under construction, which is probably true to that setting (I haven’t researched that fact, but it was impressive, nonetheless).

Well, no matter what I said previously, in the end I still liked this film. It was a surprise package, I suppose. If my opinion doesn’t count then…

…remember those friends I told you about earlier? I have verbal and written permission to quote Major Chaney’s 3 a.m. text: “I absolutely loved the Abraham Lincoln movie. It was, in my opinion, better than Ted. I adored the ending where they alluded to his death with the “time waits for no one” thing before he left fore the theatre. Also loved how last scene was in the bar as if to say the battle still continues. Thumbs up, Shawn”  Did I mention that Major Chaney is never gonna admit he is wrong? Watch this film; you will be impressed.

Unless, of course, you’re one of “them”

D.W. Griffith's 1930  film, "Abraham Lincoln"
Walter Huston as LINCOLN and Kay Hammond as MARY TODD LINCOLN
Enjoy!!